You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
