i wish semen tasted like chocolate
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
