Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
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