shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
