I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
