i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
