i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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