My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
