he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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