his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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