I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
