I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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