Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
