im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize