I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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