omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
These tits shall not be calmed
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
