sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
zippers are such a cool invention
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
