So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
