This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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