It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
