Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
