She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
