So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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