If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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