if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
