we have pet lesbian snakes
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
