is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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