I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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