I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize