I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
