I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
