so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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