I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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