just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
