Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
