why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
