yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
