Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
