take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
