Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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