Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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