so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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