Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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