Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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