Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
it was like having sex with a tree stump
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize