My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
