If i come over, it means nothing
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
