I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
