I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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