Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Be still, my beating vagina.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
