My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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