You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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