Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
