I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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