i love accidental penises.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
