piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
